You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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