I wish I could punch you in the face.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
