The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
