I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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