I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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