Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
