I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She even gives head with a lisp.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
