last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
