She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
