Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
