Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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