If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
