I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
