He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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