It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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