Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
