Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Vodka?
Forever.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
