i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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