Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize