I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
