just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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