She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
