Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
where are my eyebrows?
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