Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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