dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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