3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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