I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
