There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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