whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
