Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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