the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
