goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
