life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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