Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
