Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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