We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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