This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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