I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
