bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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