I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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