maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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