im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
