So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just had sex bonerless
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
