and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
