Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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