He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize