dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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