my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
