doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
