So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
