I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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