Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize