Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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