"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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