Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize