Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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